Can Managers Be Too Empathetic?

If it seems that more people are talking about empathy these days, that's because they are. And it's not always in a positive context.

Trillionaire Elon Musk and billionaire Bill Ackman have declared themselves fans of Canadian marketing professor and social justice activism opponent Gad Saad's book “Suicidal Empathy: Dying to be Kind." (Saad, to be fair, has declared he's not against all empathy, but he argues that it goes too far when it risks the destruction of the empathetic party.)

Does he have a point? And if so, where does that point lie on the line of showing empathy to others?

Empathy is a positive quality for a manager or leader. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes helps build stronger relationships and makes people feel like they matter – a big key to building employee engagement. But empathy requires balance and without it, empathy can go too far.

For example, picture a boss who repeatedly makes allowances for a struggling employee who’s not getting their work done. They take on the employee’s work or assign it to other workers to cover the slack. This practice becomes a pattern, causing the overloaded workers to feel unfairly treated and resentful toward the struggling employee, also causing the manager excess stress.

Drawing the line on too much empathy

Having too much empathy presents several drawbacks, including:

1. Burnout

   A drive to display empathy can push someone to repeatedly sacrifice their own needs (or the needs of the team) creating resentment, unnecessary stress or even burnout.

2. Risk of manipulation

   Too much empathy can make you a sitting duck for a less mindful beneficiary of your empathy – a manipulative or toxic employee can easily take advantage of an overly empathetic person.

3. Risk of impaired judgement

   Without self-awareness, empathy can also lead to clouded judgement and biased decision making.

Yale University professor Paul Bloom’s research shows the bias that empathy causes in decision making. He played a recording of a terminally ill boy describing his pain for two groups. One was told to act with empathy and feeling, the other with objectivity. After the recording, each group was told to consider whether the boy should be moved up the treatment list – a move that could put other patients at risk. 

Results showed the impact of empathy and altruistic impulses. Two-thirds of the group told to act with empathy said he should be moved up the list, while only one-third of the group told to act objectivity said the same. The first group ignored the advice of experts and acted purely on emotion.

Empathy should come with a caveat, suggests Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. We must “know when to extract ourselves from someone else’s shoes – and how.”

Awareness of our own feelings, assertiveness and a firm understanding of the facts can help with this balance.

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What to do if you’re too empathetic?

If you’re a highly empathetic manager, becoming more self-aware can help you find balance.

Practice by pausing when you feel your empathetic tendencies kick in. Consider what you’re feeling and what you need or what your organization needs.

Once you’ve considered this, you’ll be better able to make decisions about accommodations you are willing and able to make to support someone. If you struggle with this pause, try asking them a question or two to better understand their situation.

1. Assume the best of people but watch for manipulation. 

   When possible, build relationships with people who are mindful of the needs of others. If someone is constantly asking you to make concessions for them or for favors, they might be taking advantage of your empathetic nature.

2. Assertively speak up. 

   In some cases, when you’re a leader or manager, it’s not possible to make choices about with whom you interact. If you’re dealing with someone who’s used to having their every request met, you’ll need to be firm and clear about your own needs and boundaries, or those of the company. 

   The more you acquiesce to their requests, the more difficult it’s going to be to draw that proverbial line in the sand.

Empathy is indeed a positive management quality. But there is a downside when it’s taken to excess. As a manager, it can be tough to say “no.” You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings; but balancing others’ wants with team and company needs is part of the job.