Coping With Your Fear of Failure

As she raised her hand to volunteer for the speaking gig, a little voice in her head cautioned, “What are you thinking? You’re not good at this. People will see you up there at the podium with flaws spotlighted — your shaky voice, your racing pulse and your rambling inability to memorize all 15 bullet points.”

But she stubbornly pushed past that voice. “Fear, you are not the boss of me.”

Does the fear of failure ever hold you back?

Public speaking, changing jobs, career pivots, re-entering the workforce after a pause, confronting someone, offering honest unpopular opinions, change, speaking up in meetings, asking for a raise, technology … we’re all hesitant to try things that are new, where outcomes are unknown or that we feel we’re not good at. And that list is different for everyone. But the feeling that is “fear” is the same.

We can’t change how our minds and bodies react to fear.

We can, however, rethink “failure.” And we can notice the voice in our head … and shift it.

First consider what “failure” means to you. That’s different for each of us and the situation. Some of us are afraid we’ll look silly, pompous or incompetent. Maybe the thing that stands between us and a new venture is the fear of losing money or wasting time. Maybe we don’t want to squander an opportunity or make things worse.

The root cause of some fear of failure begins in our childhood suggests Tina Gilbertson for psychologytoday.com. Some perfectly good family values can create internal conflicts about reaching goals. Some she mentions: humility, security, having it all together, being selfless, not taking more than your share, hard work, perfection.

Next, we have to begin to change the way we think about career and workplace risk, mistakes and failure so our brains aren’t triggered to protect us in the same way they might flash the caution light if we tried walking through a dark alley at night (which could indeed be dangerous). How can we reframe these workplace or career challenges so we begin to see them as opportunities for growth, rather than in a negative way?

Psychologists would suggest exposure therapy, where we gradually increase our exposure to things we’re afraid of. Using this strategy, if you’re afraid to ask your non-communicative boss for a raise, start by increasing your interactions with your boss. Gradually you could begin to include discussions of your projects and accomplishments. Finally, you could ask for time to talk about your salary.  

Another trick is to notice that voice in your head and shift it. In the case of public speaking fear, your mind might fixate on making a mistake or looking silly. These fears will trigger fight-or-flight. Make a conscious effort to stop that thinking and shift your mindset to what your audience will gain from hearing your information. Remind yourself that the topic is one you really enjoy … or know a lot about.

This can be easier said than done. In the days leading up to a presentation as you feel twinges of nervousness, intentionally stop this thinking so it doesn't have time to build. Remind yourself that you have something to share with your audience and they will enjoy learning this information.

This intentional kind of thinking can help with public speaking fear.

Now consider the risks of something a little bigger where the stakes are a little higher. Let’s say you own a business but are afraid to venture in a costly new direction. If you don’t have experience or knowledge in this area, your fear could be somewhat justified. But you shouldn’t let that stop you. Consider how you could shore up your knowledge to help you feel more comfortable?

Are there skills you need to acquire? Would bringing in outside expertise be beneficial? Mitigating your feelings of risk can help drive you forward.

Is the fear of failure holding you back? If so, take a closer look at what you’re afraid of and reframe the way you think about failure and mistakes, try taking small steps to increase your exposure gradually, or shore up your knowledge — so you can push forward.