When Great Minds Don't Think Alike: How to Respectfully Disagree at Work

Think about the last time you didn’t agree with something at work—a new procedure, the handling of a client, changes to a product or service. Great minds … don’t always think alike. And there’s nothing wrong with disagreeing.

The trouble with disagreement comes when we choose to: 1. Not voice our concerns, 2. Voice our concerns in ways that damage our work relationships, or 3. Not be receptive to disagreement from others.

Several years in the publishing industry taught me a lot about disagreement, compromise and relationships. Magazine page counts, color signatures, ad placement and many other variables go into getting a publication to press. Salespeople push for prime spots for advertisers, bonus distribution, anything to keep their treasured advertisers happy. Journalists push to keep their articles objective—happy to write on controversial topics that keep readers intrigued, not so happy to include advertiser’s “puff” information. And designers want “pretty” and readable—lots of white space and wide margins (often things that use up precious space). Depending on his or her job, each person on the team had a different vision of what the ideal issue looked like. Disagreement was an ingredient in each issue.

Margaret Heffernan, a former CEO and speaker, suggests that we “dare to disagree … that we care enough to create conflict” … that we encourage people to challenge our own ideas and that through this process we come up with better results.

But, disagreeing shouldn’t include angry outbursts, demands and put-downs. There is a right way to raise your concerns at work without damaging relationships. And there is a right way to encourage and appreciate this openness in others.

Here’s advice for both disagreeing and allowing for disagreement. (Some of these tips work in either situation.)

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How to respectfully disagree at work:

1. Keep emotions in check. Pause, stay calm and keep your tone neutral.
2. Don’t make it personal. Steer clear of inflammatory language such as “you” phrases, which can sound like an attack. Also, keep your statements fact-based rather than showing judgment, e.g., try “that information is wrong” vs. “that’s a stupid way to look at it.”
3. Listen carefully and ask questions so you fully understand the issue. Demonstrate this understanding by repeating what the other person said.
4. Speak only on behalf of yourself, rather than using the word “we.” Colleagues may not share your opinion and the person you’re speaking with may feel like a group is ganging up on him or her.
5. Look for points of agreement and point them out (even if it’s only the outcome)
6. When possible, pick the right time and place to disagree. Be careful when you choose to disagree in a highly public situation. If you make the person you’re disagreeing with look bad, they’ll be less receptive.
7. Peter Khoury for magnetspeaking.com suggests structuring your disagreement using a PREP model (Pause, Respect, Express (without “but”) and Pause). Examples of the respect portion of this model include using phrases such as: “I see what you’re saying,” “I agree with part of what you’re saying,” or “I might see this differently because I have different experiences.” Then practice expressing your point without using the word “but.”
8. Don’t use the phrase “I understand, but …” It’s so overused that it’s come to mean “I don’t really care what you think”
9. Make a case for your argument by explaining it clearly. Don’t assume your solution is obvious.
10. Keep your differences private. If you’re disagreeing with a colleague, don’t spend time badmouthing him or her. Find a solution privately.
11. Pick your battles carefully, so when you do choose to disagree you’ll be listened to

How to handle it when someone disagrees with you:

1. Acknowledge the disagreement and seek to understand it rather than brushing it aside (even if it wasn’t presented well)
2. Remember that conflict is normal and healthy. When team members feel safe enough to disagree with one another (or the boss), organization’s win. Decisions are made with information from everyone involved.
3. Assume good or neutral intent. “Assuming ill motives almost instantly cuts us off from truly understanding why someone does and believes as they do,” suggests Megan Phelps-Rober for ideas.ted.com. 
4. Stay open-minded and work to understand the other person’s viewpoint. That means asking open-ended questions (what, why, how) to learn more and listening completely to the answers. Be curious.

When people of varying backgrounds and experiences come together in the workplace, there’s bound to be disagreement. Organizations benefit from these unique perspectives when we talk and listen well to those around us, even when we disagree.