Win-Win and the Art of Everyday Negotiating

Our workplaces and daily lives are packed with opportunities for bargaining.

• You walk into your annual review at work hoping to talk with your boss about a raise. Instead he tells you that a standard 3 percent cost-of-living raise is all he can offer.
• At home, your 8-year-old won’t eat her vegetables and every night bedtime is met with back talk and arguments.
• In trying to renew a contract with a vendor, they explain that their costs have gone up and to give you everything you had last year, the price will increase 15 percent.

When what we want doesn’t line up with what someone else is willing to do or provide, it can be upsetting or stressful. Part of that stress is caused by feeling powerless in these situations. So, we complain—a pastime that does little to change the situation.

Instead, knowing how to negotiate and being comfortable with it is an everyday skill that helps you get more of what you want, experience less stress and preserve the relationships around you.

 

Consider what you really want

With negotiating, getting what you want begins with knowing what you want, understanding the other person’s perspective and then negotiating to win-win. When both people walk away with a shared benefit, each compromising a little bit, that’s win-win and preserves the relationship.

In any negotiation, each person has things they really want and areas where they might be willing to compromise. Before any negotiation, consider what your non-negotiables are. Then give some thought to that same question from the other person’s perspective: What do you think their non-negotiables might be? Some research might be necessary (in the case of getting a raise or understanding the demands another person is facing). Do that due diligence so you can show through your research where you came up with your information or numbers.

Fox example, if you’re negotiating a contract with a vendor, know what a fair price is. That might include getting bids from other vendors, researching online so you know what the extras might include or checking in with other customers willing to share details. Once you have a price range in mind, consider what additional services are important to you. What challenges do you think the vendor faces? Are you demanding tight turn-arounds at their busiest time of year? Where can you be flexible to accommodate the vendor?

Or if you’re negotiating a raise, know your value to the company or your boss. What are other companies paying workers in your same position? How have the projects you’ve been involved in added value for the company? What challenges is your company or boss facing and how has your work affected these things? What value do you offer for the future?

 

Don’t rely on your poker face

Many negotiations come down to trust and relationships. The old school of thought used to be, “keep a poker face” and don’t get emotional. I believe the top skills in negotiating are emotional intelligence and communication. When we recognize and identify both our own and the other person’s emotions, when we talk less and listen more—these skills help us reach win-win.

We need good emotional self-awareness as well as the ability to empathize. When we pay attention to body language and pick up on sticking points (when someone seems to have their mind made up from the start), we need to get to the bottom of these issues. Bring up concerns or fears and get them out in the open. Talk about it, so they’ll feel safer and happier with the result. Don’t be so focused on getting to “yes” that the other person feels cornered.

Because preserving relationships is often key in the business world. Focusing on getting everything I want means the other person loses. And that often comes at a cost: The next time I come to the table, that vendor may care less about working with my company or keeping me happy. Keeping the business of a difficult client or person isn’t a priority.

There are, of course, situations where feigning indifference works to your advantage. For example, if you’re trying to buy a car, you may not want to show how much you really love that car.

Believing in what you want to negotiate for also makes a huge difference. That energy comes across.

 

How to wrap it up

When both parties in the negotiation seem satisfied, summarize the conversation. “Okay, so I know what’s important to you based on what you’ve said is …” and “I would agree with you on that.” And then state what you’re getting that you’re okay with. Finalize in writing (although always use face-to-face or phone for the actual negotiation.)

Negotiating is an everyday skill we should all develop. It doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want. But it will make you more comfortable asking.

 

Listen to the Career Strategies for Working Women podcast episode on this topic: Win-Win Negotiating for Everyday Life