What’s the Price of Not Confronting Someone?

Didn’t get that raise … you didn’t ask for?

Left the job where you felt your boss was playing favorites … but you didn't bother to address with said boss?

No longer friends with that procrastinating colleague whose delays caused you endless headaches … that you never mentioned to her?

Avoiding confrontation just to keep the peace 

We’re uncomfortable with confrontation. And we want to avoid a potentially aggressive scene—along with the hard feelings, embarrassment or arguments—at all costs.

My 14-year-old daughter mentioned she’s not friends with a certain pal at school any more. When I asked why, she said, it’s because she talks too much. “Sometimes I just need it to be quiet,” my daughter explained to me. My question to her, “Did you mention to this friend that sometimes you like quiet or did you just start avoiding her?”

What keeps us from telling people what we need or want?

Sometimes, of course, doing nothing makes sense and tolerance is called for. Learning to adjust to colleagues’ idiosyncrasies is part of working in the business world. There’s more than one right way to do things.

Determining where the line is between being tolerant and being walked on is tricky.

When the behavior that’s bothering you is ongoing, you might need to speak up. You can’t expect those around you to be mind readers. Address these issues directly and sooner rather than later (before they fester and you explode). Effective confrontation can be a calm interaction if we work to manage emotions and make sure the other person involved feels listened to and that his or her viewpoint has been well communicated and understood.

Here are some strategies for more peaceful confrontation:

1. Prepare. 

   Before the conversation, give some thought to the facts and feelings of all parties. Consider what the ideal resolution for everyone would look like.

2. Set up a meeting. 

   Schedule a time and place by respectfully asking the other party to talk. Choose a private setting.

3. Make this about you, not a group. 

   “We all feel this way” can make someone feel as though they’re being ganged up on and put make them on the defensive. Instead talk about how behavior or situations affect you.

4. Be specific and only tackle one thing at a time. 

   Identify the issue(s) objectively using facts and without placing blame. Also explain the impact of the issue(s) in a fact-based way. Then stop talking.

5. Listen and validate. 

   Prepare to hear the other person's side or views. And make sure the other person knows that you've heard and understand by nodding and paraphrasing what their response. You don't need to agree with what they're saying to indicate that you understand how they feel.

6. Be assertive using “I” statements rather than pointing fingers. 

   Explain your position only when you’ve validated the other’s emotions and viewpoints. Don't indicate that you expect agreement. 

7. Ask them to shift to problem-solving mode with you. 

   Establish realistic goals for the outcome, and get agreement.

8. Choose your battles wisely. 

   Know when it’s best to agree to disagree.

9. Take a break if you need to. 

   If  you can't agree or if emotions escalate, agree to revisit the issue on a specific day/time (so they know they don't win by default).

10. Get commitment for change. 

    When a mutually acceptable solution is met, get agreement. Ask for their commitment to help make it work.

11. Don’t take anything personally.

12. Follow through. 

    Follow up on the situation, and make sure both parties keep their end of the bargain.

Tolerance can be a great thing in any office. But non-confrontation isn’t the same thing as tolerance. When a behavior or situation repeatedly bothers you, it may be time to speak up rather than avoid confrontation. Prepare and consider how you can keep both your and others’ emotions out of the mix.