What’s the Price of Not Confronting Someone?

Didn’t get that raise … you didn’t ask for?

Left that job where you felt your boss was playing favorites … without bothering to investigate?

No longer friends with that procrastinating colleague whose delays caused you endless headaches … that you never mentioned to her?

Many of us like to keep the peace.

We’re uncomfortable with confrontation. And we want to avoid a potentially aggressive scene—along with the hard feelings, embarrassment or arguments—at all costs.

My 14-year-old daughter mentioned she’s not friends with a certain pal any more. When I asked why, she said, it’s because she talks too much. “Sometimes I just need it to be quiet,” my daughter explained. My question to her, “Did you mention to this friend that sometimes you like quiet or did you just start avoiding her?”

What keeps us from telling people what we need or want?

Sometimes, of course, doing nothing makes sense and tolerance is called for. Learning to adjust to colleagues’ idiosyncrasies is part of working in the business world. There’s more than one right way to do things.

Determining where the line is between being tolerant and being walked on can be tricky.

When the behavior that’s bothering you is ongoing, you might need to speak up. You can’t expect those around you to be mind readers. Address these issues directly and sooner rather than later (before they fester and you explode). Effective confrontation can be a calm interaction if we work to manage emotions and make sure the other person involved feels listened to and that his or her viewpoint has been well communicated and understood.

Here are some strategies for more peaceful confrontation:

1. Prepare. Give some thought before the conversation about the facts and feelings of all parties. Consider what the ideal resolution for everyone would look like.
2. Schedule a time and place by nicely asking the other party to talk. Choose a private setting.
3. When you meet, state your issue in a fact-based way. Then stop talking.
4. Make this about you, not a group. “We all feel this way” can make someone feel as though they’re being ganged up on and put make them on the defensive.
5. Listen.
6. Ensure that the other person knows you have heard and understand his or her feelings.
7. Validate how they feel about the situation, even if you disagree with the rationale.
8. Identify the issue(s) without placing blame. Explain the impact of the issue(s).
9. Objectively outline the facts
10. Explain your position only when you’ve validated the other’s emotions and viewpoints. State your feelings and opinions assertively, without indicating that you expect agreement. Use “I” statements rather than pointing fingers.
11. Ask them to shift to problem-solving mode with you. Establish realistic goals for the outcome, and get agreement.
12. Choose your battles wisely. Know when it’s best to agree to disagree.
13. Take a break if emotions escalate or no resolution is in sight
14. If you can’t agree, set a time to reconvene (so they know they don’t win by default)
15. When a mutually acceptable solution is met, get agreement. Ask for their commitment to help make it work.
16. Don’t take anything personally
17. Follow up on the situation, and make sure both parties keep their end of the bargain

Tolerance can be a great thing in any office. But non-confrontation isn’t the same thing as tolerance. When a behavior or situation repeatedly bothers you, it may be time to speak up rather than avoid confrontation. Prepare and consider how you can keep both your and others’ emotions out of the mix.